I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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