a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
