and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize