He disabled his match.com account in front of me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
