i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
