you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
