That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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