If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
