I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
