I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
