So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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