so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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