the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
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