the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
