How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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