you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
