dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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