Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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