i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I have feelings that need drinking.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
