You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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