if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize