i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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