Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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