I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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