Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
