probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
