I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
