I just pynch a tree in the face
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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