i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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