His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
