I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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