her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
