and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize