you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
