Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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