you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Sorry about my life...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
