Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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