I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
