just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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