i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
