meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
