im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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