My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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