I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
