Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
