But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize