I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
