I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize