some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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