Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
