My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
