weddingsv make me drug and hornr
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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