the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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