my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
