thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
