all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
