Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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