The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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